Prickles and farts!

I have been replaying this hilariously cute hodgeheg video for weeks now, and it never fails to put a smile on my face and induce a giggle or two :p


It Is Nothing

So I was rooting through a few old things a few days ago, and I found a poem that I’d printed off the internet when I was about 14. It was at this time that I was finding concentrating at school or on my music very difficult, but I felt helpless because my concentration felt totally out of my control. My grades at school were top of the class, and I always applied so much effort into my studies despite this – I’d been criticised by teachers for always having to ask for the details of an assignment after they’d told the class and re-iterated these details once or twice! They assumed I was daydreaming.

I read this poem and instantly became excited – excited that someone else out there felt similarly to myself and could put their experiences into words. I’d felt like such an oddball and an outcast at school as it seemed no-one had similar problems, so reading this poem was a relief. It was a poem about a woman’s struggle with Petit Mal Epilepsy a.k.a. Absences. After a referral to the neurological unit, and just one E.E.G. later, I was diagnosed with Petit Mal epilepsy. A few more E.E.G.s and an MRI later my sensitivity to sleep deprivation was noted and I commenced my anti-epileptic treatment of Lamotrigine. Here’s the poem;

It is Nothing.

I am pouring my coffee,

I feel my face tingling.

It will be alright, It is nothing.

I see my coffee cup,

I must concentrate!

I don’t seem to be able to pour this cup.

Of course I can.

Concentrate, Concentrate.

Alright, look at the cup.

Slowly, slowly,

Good girl you did it.

It will be alright, it is nothing.

I hear, but everyone is talking from a distance.

Listen better.

Concentrate, Concentrate.

Good girl you did it.

I hear you,

I just can’t quite understand.

Say it again,

I will get it this time.

I am confused.

What was I saying? What did you say?

Concentrate, Concentrate.

Oh no!

I feel like I am dropping in the well.

I don’t want to go in the well.

The well is far away from you.

I must Concentrate.

Everyone sounds so far away.

I am trying so hard to stay.

It will be alright, it is nothing.

I’m sorry, I can’t hold on.

I must leave for a few minutes,

But I’ll come back, just hold on.

Don’t be frightened, don’t be sad.

I will be alright, it is nothing.

I’m sorry.

Please don’t treat me differently.

I really am like you.

I just go in the well sometimes.

I’m alright I will concentrate.

Next time it will be different.

Next time I won’t have to leave.

I must concentrate.

It will be alright, it is nothing.


I related to this because it explained why I’d go a bit ‘funny’. I’d hear people talking and recognise the words people were saying but I couldn’t comprehend, or respond. It explained why sometimes after these ‘funny moments’ I’d be mopping up a drink I’d spilt without any recollection of how I’d spilt this! Most of these Absences I probably wasn’t aware of or they were noted by others. I was quite often described as ‘dopey at times’! Charming.

I’m 29 now and I’m no longer classed as having epilepsy so I’m learning to drive (watch out UK, stay off the roads! And the pavements…..). I still have these absences every now and then, well I think I do. But not as frequently as before, or enough to trouble me too much. I think I read somewhere that 2/5 (?) people will have a seizure at least once during their lives. That high proportion really surprised me but again, makes me feel less alone. Either way I’m not troubled, or embarrassed by experience of epilepsy, and it may be thanks to the author of this poem. (D.Wilson,


Thank you Karma!

Ok so it’s been yonks since I last posted. I am back working at my previous workplace but not for my previous employer, thankfully. A lady I used to support has changed her care package to private with the help of an independent living scheme to help with the legalities and contracts etc. And I was one of three who was asked to come back. Big compliment to receieve 🙂 I jumped at the chance because I enjoyed working with her, the hours suited me perfectly at the time and the extra pay kinda helps 😀

So yeah erm…..the one drawback was working in the same building as my abusive ex. It was tough, I admit this, and I and others doubted at times whether I should have returned. But I’m stronger than that and ridiculously stubborn – stubborn as the stubbornest ass alive! I thought, ‘Why should I have to give up something I want when I hadn’t committed the crime?!’

I kept repeating two things to myself;

1) Happiness is the best revenge.

2) Karma is a bitch.

And all that stubborness has paid off, thanks to Karma kicking his horrible ass – he was fired, albeit not even for the right reason, but the end result was right. I now feel like the anvils that were heavily resting on each shoulder have lifted!

Pretty Green Eyes?

The issue of jealousy has seemed to rear It’s godawfully ugly head many times over the past year, that I’ve started wondering what the cause of jealousy is and If if can ever be a positive emotion for the envious, or the envied?

The number one source of jealousy is without a doubt, insecurity. In my ever so humble opinion it’s natural, and you’d have to be inhuman to have not experienced envy many times. No one person is totally secure with every aspect of themselves whether they’d like to admit this or not. BUT I think how we deal with envy shows; 1) Our moral fibres or lack of them, and 2) Our individual level of emotional intelligence. The latter can affect whether jealousy becomes positive or negative.
My grievance with jealousy is when a person is overwhelmed by this feeling and it affects how we feel towards who we are jealous of and how we treat them.
Now, despite my ongoing mental health issues, this is an area I don’t have difficulty with. Thank god! That’s one positive 😀 See, I’m totally working towards thinking more positively! It’s just how to deal with others’ jealousy that kinda has me stumped 😦 and paranoia.
Now when women share mutual jealousy/dislike for others the result is horrible. My personal recent experience has been that others have exaggerated and told outright lies to put me in a bad light, and their jealousy/dislike is merely based on their own insecurities and paranoid thoughts. Hey I’m not perfect in any way, shape or form but I don’t lie. Let’s say, that along with this hurtful behaviour, an nasty, abusive text may have been received – funnily enough on the day ‘the sh1t hath hitteth the fan’, and from an anonymous number. This encompasses exactly the type of negative envy aforementioned. It left me feeling so deeply hurt – so much that I wondered if I should really still be here if I am such a blemish on society (according to them?). But I’m sure they too are feeling equally horrible.
Despite my experience, I can step back and see how envy can be positive. I have admired others for their skill in certain areas which is exactly the type of feeling I love to turn into super motivation and determination. Hey, I wouldn’t have a first class degree if it weren’t for the green-eyed monster! But I’ve always been aware of the extent of my feelings of envy and never have I let these feelings consume me until I treat others differently. And having been on the receiving end of these feelings, I hope I never will.
Today, I’m struggling. I have to keep in mind that I have so many amazing friends! I’m blowing my own trumpet here, yes I am – but I have so many loyal friends of 26, 13, 10 years and even 6 months. This is a testament to me, and my character. If I start to doubt myself I will remind myself of these friends, and then take a look at the lives and friends of those who have behaved this way towards me. Boy, does it make me feel better 🙂 I realise that these people will continue to hurt and push away others in this manner, until they have few left.

‘Cause I’m just THAT good… :D

I want to post something positive. Something I’ve overlooked at times but is an amazing achievement of mine. I’ve been classed as “in recovery” rather than Bulimic for over a year and a half, and despite a potential and near-relapse recently when going through tough times (read my blog from then: I’ve not slipped back into old habits!!!!

I’ve worked so hard and it’s paid off, go me!!!

Insecurity….nurturing cruelty

I just passed two women at the station, discussing what I assume to be a friend or colleague, making comments such as “she’s so weird, and that moustache of hers puts her in the running for our office Movember competition! God and she’s SO annoying……” Etc etc. I was only behind them for a second or two during my mad dash for the train.

This left me feeling a bit sad and wondering just why humans feel the need to be so cruel about others like this? Are we biologically programmed to do so or is it a socio-cultural development that can be quashed or at least hampered through altering mindsets or thought-processes? Sure, if someone in your life is actually being nasty I think bitching is more understandable!  Hence our need to ‘debrief’ to another. But how is it acceptable when our bitching is fuelled by looking or acting different?

I can’t profess not to have done this myself, because I’m just human. I just hope to god that I bitch LESS than others. What I’m certain of is that I’ve been the subject of nastiness and bullying concerning my looks and mannerisms which really whittled down what little self-esteem I had at school! Yes I was unfortunate-looking with a face full of metal (braces and industrial-looking glasses!) and acne. That wasn’t however, an excuse. I wish I’d have been able to show my 13 year-old self a picture of myself now.

Today there are magazines that are published almost solely to gossip, and point out celebrities physical flaws. Adorning newstands everywhere there are also glossies available with handy information concerning how one can address these flaws as if they make you less accepted. I’m guilty of reading these glossies and heading straight to the shops to buy the latest £10 a gram wonder creams in a bid to look ‘right’ and become more accepted.

What am I getting at? Well for one I wish humans were emotionally intelligent enough to vent our anger, jealousy, and frustration in a less damaging way, rather than bitching. I think as a race our technological and intellectual intelligence has grown rapidly, but our emotional intelligence has declined. Perhaps the two types of intelligence are inversely proportional to each other? Hence I’ve started thinking about the relationship between the two….well It’s food for thought anyway.

Girls Aloud…my latest cheesy chart obsession!

This needs no comment. I love Girls Aloud and how gutsy and full of attitude they are. Oh and very pretty too, darn them!

Long time, no blog

    ** Potential triggers (self harm) ** please don’t read if you are feeling at risk yourself.

    I’ve not blogged for a while now because, to be honest I’ve been feeling increasingly unwell, mentally. I won’t go into why cause I’m writing this from my Android phone which uses predictive, which takes ages and changes the text I want into nonsense. My pet hate. E.g. I’ll intend to text my best friend “i have lots of wine!” and instead changes it to “I have lots of wind”. And because wine is my tipple of choice, I seem to send many texts concerning my flatulence instead.

    So yeah erm…. I guess It’s worrying that with everything that’s happened I find myself deciding that it must be my fault, for this much trouble to be caused with different people…it must be me. Thinking rationally I know this must not be true but I keep returning to the belief that its my fault, I’m a horrible person, and that the world would be a better place if it weren’t for my existence.

    My reasons for being here, existing….seem to be gradually fading. Protecting my parents seems less important. That seems to be my sole reason at present. And It’s fading…


Events that have unfolded over the past few weeks have lead me to realise a few truths about my family. We don’t talk. Sounds like a ridiculously fundamental family trait I should have noticed previously, but when I’m part of such a group and it’s activity all I seem to notice is detail. I’d love to be able to stand back and observe, I’d see things so much more clearly!!

So……our family (my UK family) are totally averse to talking, about anything important. Sure we all talk about everything else; the weather, football, our achievements, what presents we received at Christmas. ALL bar the important things; our feelings, relationships, what happened in the past etc. Thus avoiding any conflict. Well that’s seems to be our initial aim but eventually our built-up, concealed annoyances ultimately result in larger conflict.

My american family tip the other end of the scale and talk too much, about anything and everything. They love talking about feelings, pet peeves, disagreements…..until the discussions escalate into arguments. It’s almost as if they aim to argue and get a sense of excitement and a rush of adrenalin from the impending conflict!

And where do I fit in? Definitely the english side, but I’m desperately trying to find that middle ground.

The event that preceded these deep musings, is a visit to my (half) sister. She was (and is) days away from dying, we think. She’s in a hospice, and she was rambling deliriously and angrily all day on Monday. I went to visit with my dad, and when she woke up she started rambling again, but this soon descended into a verbal attack.

She started by telling us that we wished her dead so I could have my dad to myself and everything he has when he passes away. That she, and my two brothers had been written out of his will (entirely, not true).

She then turned to me and laughed, and said “My sister. I’ve never called you my sister, never have and I never will. Scum”. She pressed her assistance button for some pain relief and then looked disgustedly at me. “I just touched the piece of plastic that you touched. urgh”. Further comments followed this but all similarly virulent and tinged with truth. I took this all in and sat there dumbfounded. Brimming with sadness, I attempted to quell my emotions for fear of worsening her mood. After ten year-long minutes I left the room, and released all my feelings via a silent stream of tears.

I know some people tell me that this is normal, this happens. But it touched a sensitive spot. What she said….those feelings she aired, I’ve assumed that’s exactly how she feels over the past 28 years. But I’ve always put this down to my paranoia, because WE DON’T TALK! So how are things ever sorted out if how we feel about others is purely based on assumptions? Nothing is resolved until it’s too late, if at all.

Fuck me, I’m hurt. It especially hurts when 28 years of not-so-wild assumptions are confirmed as real.

Dream on – A melodic walk down memory lane

I bloody love this song, I’ll never tire of listening to Tyler’s haunting vocals. It’s so beautiful, and tuneful! Listening to this always leaves me feeling wistful – It reminds me of my trips to the US and my Grandma.


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